April 1, 2013

How I See My Self

After going through an year of depression and months of managing not more than 2 hours of sleep every night, my ADHD diagnosis in Sept 2007 was a big relief. The positive effect of steps taken after that gave me lot of hope to look forward to the future. While learning about the condition I learned a lot about myself and was tempted to see myself differently. I looked for a metaphor to associate myself with. After reading some books and articles I thought of seeing myself as a hunter. Finally I think I have come up with something which corelates me being the son of an air force officer, my fascination with aircraft and the knowledge I am learning at the spiritual university I attend.

" I see my body as a fighter aircraft, an F-14 Tomcat in particular, the carrier based fighter. I am the pilot who has been given this aircraft. I see others also as pilots controlling the aircraft entrusted to them. Most are given land based aircraft where they have a stable and productive life. Only a few like me are chosen to be stationed permanently on the ocean of chaos. Even when not on active duty, the ground below me is moving, sometimes gently, sometimes violently and I have to balance myself every moment. To launch me into work needs an elaborate system of catapults whose setting needs to be just right. Too much or too little and I go down into the ocean. A holdback mechanism greatly improves the chances of success by holding back the aircraft while the engines attain full thrust. If the full thrust from the engines is harnessed and then the catapult is activated, there are very good chances of a successful take-off. Once airborne, my aircraft is totally different and can be the best in its class. The trouble is that there is only so much time that I can spend in the air. I need to return to my ship and need a considerable turn around time before I can be back in the air.

My medication is the catapult and meditation is the holdback which allows me to use my inherent abilities to the maximum. I, the pilot am duty bound to use the machine given to me to play my role in a manner that my Commander-in-Chief can be proud of me. It is He who taught me how to fly. He knows the entire plan and if I have been chosen to be stationed on the ocean of chaos, it must be for a good reason."

I wrote the above on 17th Nov 2008 as a blog post in ADHD World, a social network for those affected by ADD or ADHD. These were the comments in that post.

In the following years I went through many learning experiences each of which gave me a better understanding of how to approach the future. Aspiring to do the work that I like was increasingly becoming the key to stability and happiness. In Feb 2009 I decided to stop taking my medication, a step in which my psychiatrist Dr. Ulrich Rothfelder supported me with and supervised the transition. But I kept a prescription of the medication with me just in case I need it again. I have not used it till date.

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